joan=chicken pox girl.....nobody going out with me....i'm sad....i'm upset....i'm not happy.....

i hate sharlot but yet i seem to have become like her.....so now i guess i should start hating myself too....

everything is so fucked up.....

sorry suwen i forgotten.....HAPPY BDAY....i've gotten ur present!!!

thanx for this....i understand what u're trying to mean....take cares fren...

i cried....in e end i realised its still difficult for me....but i'll get myself over e....i've contained myself for e past 3days i tot i cud b strong....but i guess i'm simply not tat strong enuf to manage....

i still dreams of u at nites...still miss u in e days but i wudn bother u anymores...coz u told mi bfore ai bu shi qiang guo lai e so i knoe evn if i ask u back u also wudn agree to....den i guess i have to take it alone le....

if i really do meet u 1 day i'll still carry my smiles...i wun show u my tears tats all....

hmmm yest nites didn go pub instead went MoS hmmmm sorrys gerald it wasn really tat fun after all i guess u did agree wif mi bahz....sorrys for spoiling ur day wif all my boring talks yahs hahas guess i was simply too tired den bahz....

today went out wif them....was i really vry talktative nots hahahas....qingqing pretending to b si wen e gal gal arhs so diff from when u're online lorz....*ooops* hahahas but it was really fun today...ate till my tummy nearly burst u knoe!!e fish+e combo thingy+e iecream....stuff myself nearly sia got see my tummy cum out after tat nots....hahhaas i went toilet alot of time after tat u knoe coz of e icecream too watery le lahz bladder canot tahan after tat hahahas....

heys i knoe i look cute lahz but u all also didn needa keep taking pic of mi eating lorz....so paiseh u knoe...ate till i so stressed up lahz hahahas....hps n cam pointing at mi waiting for mi to bite tat *SOOOO TASTY* drumstick omgoosh....i nearly blush can hahas....but remember muz put as ur hp e wallpaper arhs....i didn charge u all modelling fee eh...see i so gd to u gals lorz....LOLOL

peg i will remember u e.....i pose so nice for e pic u cut mi away!!so evil lahz....tsk tsk i dun send u e pics le lahz hmmpf!!but today abit sia suay eh....juz now in train u n quizzy slping den i zi lian-ing lorz....den e 2 ah neh saw mi shan knoes den laugh lahz....*shys* but it didn stop mi worz lolol....nxtt time go out again yahs go stuff oourselves wif food again....=p

after tat i went to meet my dad celebrate daddys day...also was eating can...i today really filled wif food lorz...think nxt few days can dun need eat alr....talked alot of stuffs i guess i have more topics to blog on le....heart really felt e pain when thinking of e past...seeing my dad n my mum i guess i shuld b a btr daughter bahz....e other 2 women r so damn shitty sumtimes i really feel like slapping them to their senses....cant believe such ppl actually exists....daddy ask us to forgive them n understand their actions....sumtimes i dunno whetehr to pity or to hate them....to tell e truth to forgive mayb i might but to forget wat they've done to us i guess i might not b able to do so bahz....haiez sians...all these stoopid stuffs happening really dampened my mood e past few days...it hurts yahs....

think i'm really going to fall sick soon alr....throat really hurts now feeling a lump in my throat le quite diff to swllow things now....=(( body getin warmer le dunno whetehr its e weather too cold or i getting fever soon hahas....really wish my mum wud cum back immediately nows....otherwise i guess i'll have to suffer if i really fall sick....haeiz tmlo on needa start house cleaning alr....didn really clear my rm now its really a terrible mess.....haiez sians alot to b done.....hope i wun get too lazy nows hahas....surfs up's up alr!!!sneaking preview le....sians i wanna watch tat show sia....sadded.......fantastic's 4 is also playing le...=( arrgghhhss!!!

hohoho went kbox today....hahahs after blogging will b going out drink le....tmlo going out wif e gang arrrggghhsss i'm officially going broke soon!!!hahahs tat stoopid boss e cheque bounced ya knoe....sians sia...feeel like killing him lorz...coz of this i now have no money spend le lahz....haiez...nvm i'll survive~~~ hahahas i vry vry happy lost weight le!!!hope e 2kg dun cum back anymores....shoo shoo!!not welcum le...=p but still i wanna b thinner hahas now 44kg mayb 42 sounds nicer hahas given my height so damn short jialat sia...hahas

juz now kbox so lame....singing+dancing in e rm...hahahas ppl passed by gave us weird looks sia....joan evn jumped on e sofa!!ooops LOL so damn high lorz hahas but didn sing enuf eh....3hrs only =( felt like singing more hahas but now throat feeling e pain le...i think sore throat cuming back again....but nvm i like my sexy voice lolol!!!!kaows eh e rm was so damn cold sia wore jeans+shirt+jacket also cant keep myself warm sia....tsk tsk they shuld allow each rm to b able to adjust their own aircondition...yahs lorz...hahas i still wanna go back kbox again....i wanna lalala nvm later going pub can sing le hahahas....hope wun get drunk otherwise tmlo canot wake up on time meet le sia....hahas get high more den enuf le kkekeke...

booked my basic theory date le....22nd of aug!!hahahas but on a wed sia sch start le dunno whether will clash nots....hmmmm...so long sia....2 more mths to go arrgghhss!!tat means maybe will have to wait till nxt yr den can license lorz....sadded hahahas...

hmmm taken back my stuffs le....now still needa find time wash his shirt n return him den hand him back his keys will simply put a fullstop to us le....hahahas went to change my bracelet e length le now fits btr hahahas saw a vry nice necklace there hmmm but now no moneys buy sobss....=((

yeahs going out drink le byes evry1...=p

hmmmm went to uncle jackson house for dinner just now....initially thought they'll be alot of people turning up in e end only e 4 of us....but still we had fun worz....cause we're crappy....LOL yahs i'm e worst among us cause i talk too much nonsense....but if it makes evrybody happy den y not?hahahas....my girls are teaching me bad le....i'm starting to become more zi lian yahs....joan even taught me how to make your face look slimmer when taking pic yahs.....hahahahas okok today only e 2 of us zi lian-ing...on e bus....LOL took alot of pics...wanted to do that in e train but there were simply too many people around i still want my face e alright....LOL

uncle jackson is sick!!hmmm but still he didn cancel our dinner....phew really must thank him n say sorry for disturbing.....he look really really very very unwell....reminds me of him when he was sick last week =( i was really worried then....hahahas i guessed if uncle were to cancel our dinner i'd be rotting at home again staring at e tv n e computer haas...

today is sat and i'm going to ssdc with xj to book a date for our basic theory...hahaas dragged for 6months le sia jialats...need to quickly settle this n i'll be able to have my own driving license le!!!yeah then i'll be able to drive car hahas....joan even more =.= sia....finish her lessons le now waiting for revision+ e exact test....hmmmm but i still dont dare sit e car u drive eh...wahahhas jkjk must let us be e 2nd batch to see yours skills arhs....1st time must let ur daddy+mummy+korkor+sis-in-law try...than followed by us!!yeahs....then next time we go out dont need take public transport yahs then we can go chomp chomp!!hahahas

anyways back to topic....after dinner we went on to play mahjong for a little while only....then changed to playing cards cause uncle went to rest on e sofa....big2+heart attack+a new game which i dont know what its called....think xiao zhu n xiao gui got play in their show before hahas....is joan teach e....damn funny lahz....laugh till i almost got stomach cramps hahahas....xj dealing e cards then we realised got 1 card missing...went on to search all over for that 1 card!!n guess where we found it...it flew all e way to uncle n got kiapped under his leg WAHAHAHHAAS laugh till mad....another stoopid thing happened when we were playing heart attack....we were all damn anxious about e cards then when i managed to get 3 same cards i grabbed e next card n made a sound cause i didn get e card i wanted.....then everybody started slapping their hands on e table and argued whose hand was under 1st...i got confused also then went along wanting to put my hand in then i asked who heart attack e...then we all realised it was simply a confusion STOOPID lahz hahahas....okok my fault my fault misled evrybody with that weird sound...hahahahas i said uhhh not heartt....wahahahhas.....fun+fun+more fun....ate till now i still feel like vomiting....but i didn ate much also didn know why....sians sia....

my mind suddenly thought of him when i was eating n i had to force it out real hard cause didn want to spoil their mood but in the end my day didn end well because i received his msg n it simply put a fullstop to everything....guess its such bahz tired from thinking already.....guess will be out with xj+joan tomorrow....hope poh n ck can come too....so long never meet up le sadded....caiyu going sentose cant join =( haiez.....i wanna go kbox!!!thinking of whether later is possible not but i guess not bahz....mayb wed or thurs hahahahhas.....so i guess later is bowling day or slacking+eat icecream+zi lian-ing day again.....LOL

pls pls pls dont let me be home alone later....because i confirm will hu si luan xiang....needa go pray soon too...pray for blessings and to offer thanx....who wanna go with me eh???i wanna watch surf up n fantastic4 who wants to watch!!!!

when i'm feeling down everything seems to be against me....hahahas....i guess everything is over right now this very minute very second....let me simply rant on here in this post....no one here is being forced to read this....i simply need a place to vent myself cause i'm trying to keep myself sane....trying to make sure i dont suffer from a mental breakdown anytime now hahahas....

breakup.

breakup.

breakup.

3 times...guess how am i feeling right now??i'm abit sad...i'm alittle depressed....my heart did some stunts by flinching a few times just now...i'm alittle angry....i feel alittle lost....i do miss him much but MY HEART PRACTICALLY FEELS SO NUMB...NUMB!!!but i guess my feelings doesn matter much anymores....right??
hahahs but i didn cry today...i had wanted so much to do so......but i know i canot cause i need to be strong....stronger n mature than before....i need to grow up....crying wouldn bring him back to me....he will never know how much tears i've shed for him...he will never be able to feel e pain he caused me to suffer from...so i shouldn cry anymores for my tears will be wasted for someone whom i mean nothing to....hahahhas SMILES i'll continue to do so....nobody will see my tears nor hear me sniffer keke....

STOOPID STOOPID LILING!!!someone slap me can??and make me wake up from this dream....this pretty pretty dream that i'm having right now seems to have alot of ups n downs....something which i've never experienced in my past r/s...too much for my heart to take it already....he's everything i had wanted in my guy....he's everything i had expected....but i guess this is also a 1-sided affair just like daryl...only thing that differs was that this time e pain inflicted was much more deep cause i've had him n lost him in a second....

but e weird thing now is no matter how much he has done to shatter me i still cant seem to bring myself to hate him....not even a single bit....i found myself still loving him alot nows....i think my brain is really suffering from serious probems now....joan u all should know how much i hated that guy for everything he has done when we were together rights now we're even worse than strangers....but not xiong mao...hahas

aiyah aiyah going to end it soon le....really thank him for e memories....though i know i'll forget soon cause my memory is really so damn bad that i tend to forget things until very jialat e....u can say i have not much memories of my childhood i also dont know why....especially before my 10th birthday...but i'll try my best to remmeber some sweet little things u've done for me....u made me feel special when we were together n i appreciated that....i tried to cherish everything but it doesn matters already hahas....

it seems my friends are much more fortunate than me....at least their boyfriends wouldn bring up breaking to solve matters....no matter how much quarrels they've encountered everything is still solved in e end....i guess my fate isn like theirs bahz....finding some1 to love me as much as i love him is really difficult it seems....suan le maybe i'm not destined to love....maybe i need to be with some1 i dont truly love for my whole life....hahahas

16th june which happens to fall on oday!!our 2nd month anniversary....but he will not be with me on this day le.....nor will we be spending our 3rd mth or 4th mth or any other occasions anymore.....vday is on feb14th....a day for valentines....u told me i'll not be alone cause i'll have u to be with me....i guess next year's vday will also be with friends le bahz....nvm its alrights they'll love me too rights hahahas....feel alittle sadded by it but i'm okokok....hahahas but what to do no choice lorz....u all canot pang seh me later or else i'll go cry infron of u all....feeling tired from all these matters already....it seems to have drained me too much....i need rest....alot alot of rest....alot alot of time....to get over everything........

this time have i really made e wrong choice?i'm trying to hold on to e only little hopes i have left....i've juz realised i cant seem to let go just yet....what's holding back?i'm not sure of it myself.....he broke e word but i held on...yahs i shouldn be doing so i know but i cant seem to help it....hahas i guess i need time by myself bahz....maybe he doesn know how i'm feeling right now i guess maybe it didn really occur to him how hurt i'm feeling bahz....

he've asked to break again n i'm still trying to say no....i really dont wish to.... i've told him i'll get my stuffs back asap n his 1 word reply hurts me alot....it seems to really show he doesn really care about me at all....do u really still love me?i've really wanted u to tell me straight in e face that u do n really do mean what u've said....

i guess i realised it hurts more than anything to be asked to go away for so many times...n each time e love for him is still lingering on so strongly that i'm suffocating from it....

其实我非常爱你不想失去你
难道我没有权利说我不愿意
你给了他的吻
虽然只有余温
可知道我多渴望抓住你的心
我知道他很爱你你怕他伤心
我每天假装开心害怕你离去
可不可以任性
求求你不要去
藏在我心里最后一句
其实还爱你

this song is meaningful to me....i guess its cause some of e stuffs i wanted to tell him lies here....hahas ok lahz i'm stupid i've realised it long long ago already....i guess i also need time to think over bahz....otherwise maybe he might also be mentally tortured by me for being so sticky n not letting go yet....hahahas i still love my xiong mao n i really do....=((

went to cafe delma wif X they all.....only managed to take a few pics yahs but i can say e place is simply wonderful in e nites....in e day it isn really tat breathe-taking....X leaving spore le....coz of r/s prob if i'm not wrong....haiez feel for her...though we've only known for a short period she's quite a nice person still...all e best to her den...=DD

my sis brought her bf along tat nites it makes mi miss xiong mao alots....hahas drank sum red wine+ate their fish fillets...made mi bloated like hell....

after tat went to kbox...didn take nay pics but can say it wasn really tat nice an experience bahz coz only my sis can sing LOL last thurs went to find eu n his frens at kbox they really sing much btr hahas at least my ear didn suffer den...got 1 vry vry big blue-black tat nites coz of tat stoopid cab...so high i missed e step n buah my leg against e ladder now look so ugly...=X

hmmm staying at home seems to be a waste of time....i guess i'll really need to find some stuffs to 'upgrade' my skills....seems to have wasted my past 6mths...2 more mths to go before school opens....to tell e truth i'm scared...scared of going to a new surrounding with no familiar faces around to see me through e start....everybody's taking a different route n i guess it'll be difficult to meet up if schedule gets busy....hmmmm but still a new ground=a new beginning....i guess meeting new friends might get me out from my heartahces....

spend the past few hours online searching for nothing....saw pictures of friends with their other half.....evrybody seems to be in bliss...how i wish i have the chance to do so too....maybe i'll get the chance in future but now it seems impossible for me to be experiencing such happiness....hahas like what others said i should simply go find another guy bahz....hanging onto someone whose heart is simply not with me seems to be a bother....or should i say more of a heartache...and it seems really pointless....i love him but does he feel the same towards me?having to share him with someone else is what i didn expect to....i've realised that time really is an important factor in a relationship....compared to the 2years they've been together,my 2months with him simply means nothing.....i guess at this moment i'm e barrier instead....if i give up will they be happier together?mayb i might too hahas....

'love is selfish' i saw this quote.....one heart can never be divided into 2....that's what i do believe....i guess in this life its really hard to find what we call true love....i've given my heart to 2 guys n both times all i got back in return seems to be shattered remains....i'm still trying to hang on now...for what?i'm unsure of it myself too....throughout this 2months,i've laugh n i've cried n he's the cause of it all....i've lost my confidence to love....both times when i've decided to give my all i've lost much more than i've expected myself to....a friend once told me 'love is a gamble,u must always prepare to lose'....hahas it seems so true but the more u lose the more unfeeling the society will become....for evrybody will never dare to love anymore.....this time round i've thrown all my chips in and i dont have the courage to wait for the answer because i know i'm going to lose all my hopes soon....

i'm strong this time round....i will not cry anymores...time will help me heal from my wounds....you'll never know how much pain and scars u've actually inflicted on me....i get the feeling i seem to be a toy...one which u'll play with when u're bored and leave at a corner when u're bored of it.....and throughout the whole process i do not have the ability to make any choice....

i realised one thing for sure.....dont ever say aomething which u dont actually meant....giving people false hopes is a serious sin....for it breaks their hearts even more when their hopes are dashed......when i say i love u i meant it....regardless of whether it is to a friend or to your other half i believe we've to be always true when we say it....i'm not a smart girl....u can say my thinking is so simple that sometimes people still regard me as a immature young kid maybe that's why i tend to believe whatever people say even when they're simply lies.....i know there're people out there saying i'm fake cause i hide my real feelings....but is it really wrong of me to do so??i bottle up because i dont know how to express....is that also wrong??hahas maybe it is....to those who're super confident of themselves they simply look down on people like us.....

hahas a long and uninteresting post rights....feeling emo nows....sorrys all LOL tomorrow nights going to uncle houes for dinner yeahs....luckily they changed it to tomorrow otherwise i'll reminded of my date with him which i supposed someone else is going in my place already....hahas meeting peg+quizzy+yqq+who else's going??on sun but sun need to go back early eh cause i'm meeting my dad to celebrate daddy's day.....been a long time since i saw him already so sorry girls needa go off in the evening yahs....keke i'm free on sat now....hmmm i think i m cant remember who i m meeting already....but it seems my memory is getting from bad to worse now....keep forgetting alot of stuffs....even mixed up friend's bdays...thought it was cliff's bday on the 13th but turns out his was on the 3rd!!arrrghhss den after that i thought oooh never mind i guess it was ruyee's bday then but hers was on the 16th!!shits man.....so whose bday it is actually on the 13th??!this i'm also not sure myself hahas....but i suddenly remembered sat=16th= our 2nd month together....hahahas okok i shall stop my nonsense or next time nobody going to read my blog le...T_T

hmmmm back to blog le....=)) wish to dedicate this post to my boi...haiez but guess he wudn b able to see this....shuld have let him knoe abt my blog den at least he'd understand wat i'm feeling rite now bahz....

firstly i wanna thank him for giving mi all e sweet memories for this past 2mths...u've been really a gd guy n i really thank god for letting mi knoe u bahz....though for this 2 mths i've been upset coz of e breakups but e happy moments have alr made up for them....

yest we finished watching zhuan jiao le....e 1st feeling i've got was 'e show's ended...r we gonna end too?' hahas i've said in my previous post le mahz...u've gave mi e feeling tat we're gonna end alr....juz like last time...

i'm e kind who think alot....but i dunno how to express myself well bahz....i take a vry long time to think things n whenevr i try to ask u sumting it really took mi alot alot of courage to do so...i tend to keep my feelings to myself alot mayb tats y i may not b able to communicate properly bahz....

i did hope for our r/s to last coz i really do love ya alot....but wanna tell u if really it happens tat u still miss her so much n really wanna let go of our r/s den i guess this time i'll really let u go bahz....bei mian qiang e ai qing bu shu yu zi ji....hahas i muz learn to grow up this time bahz.....canot keep holding on to u like tat i guess it'll make u more xing ku bahz.....i guess it'll make mi a selfish bitch if i cont to do so bahz....wanna see u smile coz u look really cute when u do so...=DD hahas...

its been 2 wks since we patched up le....can say days wif him is comforting evryday is a happy day....except for 1 thing...hahahasi did try not to b bothered abt it initially but now it seems to b making mi real uncomfortable.....

1st lets talk happy stuffs bahz...yest was at his hm watching zhuan jiao after tat went out wif him to marina sq wif his frens....hmmm though not dan du yue hui but i had real fun =)) he seems so cute sia all e while being such a sweet guy...seldom wud my bf joke ard wif mi n 'quarrel' wif mi...mayb tats y i enjoyed being ard him evn more bahz....it juz spice up my life...lalala but he seems to have gone quiet ard nite time....he says its coz his neck hurting but i'm not vry sure worz....

today his msgs were short n i reallly feel bad reading them....simply reminds mi of e day bfore our 2nd brkup...during tat time bfore he say break his msges were also like tat so u really cant blame mi for thinking so much le rites....memories really hurts alot...hope it wun end up like last time bahz hahas but evn if it really does happen i guess can only say i;m not fated to have him bahz....bei qiang guo lai e ai qing bu shu yu zi ji e....hahas i guess its true bahz...shuld say i dun have confidence in myself bahz mayb tats y i'm losing trust in myself in this r/s....not tat i dun trust him i'm trying alr but i guess i'm simply not tat able to accept too close r/s my bf has wif his ex bahz....jealousy?mayb it is...hahahas

vry vry sians....sum1 from ntu came to talk to mi n now it seems i'll have a hard time in my course....maths n phys impt!maths=my worse sub....thinking how m i going to survive e 4 yrs....shit 1st sem=5days wk!arrrgghhss 3days=full day studying....die!

went to work in e pc show not fun at all!!though i did made sum frens ovr there....hhahas theres this gal vry vry talkative sia but she's real frendly n i really like her alot e 1st time i talked to her....hahas she's damn gd in baking needa get sum tips from her sum day den can bake for him LOL....who wanna eat e can line up n order also....i'll take into consideration hahahas.....

but i've made sucky ppl too....i hate this particular gal whom i dunno e name....dun wish to knoe it too....damn idiot lahz stole my cust+so cocky+damn 38=think she so pretty i really feel like slapping her darn alwaz make my day so bad....but i muz agree she's gd at sales sold alot of notebooks for e past few days sia....for mi?i have to depend on others for help....imagine a com idiot selling com=so stoopid can....=.= haas but heng got gui ren help i was able to earn sum money for survival otherwise i'm gonna have to eat grass for e nxt 2mths le....hahas 1st day of work he pei mi go down i really appreciated tat....though he'll not see this but still wanna thank him sia...so gan dong...hahas last day of work went to chill wif sw+lingg damn crappy sia...mayb coz all tired out le den talk alot of stoopid nonsense hahas but it was really fun wif them....stayed at macs till 3plus 4 they were able to serve breakfst by den alr...LOL

he bought mi a bracelet!i was so happy hahas but felt awkward too....didn knoe how to express my thanks ahahs....finally gotten our couple bracelet le =)) i love my xiong mao...=DD

hmmmm i'm back tgt wif him....this time i hope nth will go wrong again....till now evrything remains soo sweet n i feel so xing fu....this r/s seems so fairy-tale like...none of my ex has really given mi this kinda feeling bfore nor have they evr let mi taste wat it feels like to b doted on so much....mayb that's y i'm falling hard for him bahz.... sumtimes when i look at him i really wonder how cum god loves mi so much....or is it simply juz a joke played on mi instead....

really hope it wudn juz last for another few wks only....once bitten twice shy twice bitten it'll b hard for a third time...it's actually hard for mi to do it a 2nd time....to tell e truth part of mi is still holding back mayb coz i'm really afraid of a third time bahz....this time when we patched up i had promised myself 1 thing....i will not let myself slip into tat kinda depression anymore if it does happen again....i guess it was simply too tiring for this kinda stuff le....if he were to let go of mi e third time i wun hold him back alr....

now 1 thing i'm really feeling insecure abt is his ex....i guess i cud kinda understand how she is feeling now bahz n i think it might b worse den wat i was going through bahz....it makes mi kinda guilty now i seem to have cum in btw them le....hmmmm if she really cums back for him mayb i shuld back out hahas....i dun want e whole thing to keep dragging btw e 3 of us anymmore....if it makes her happy den go ahead bahz....it's real tiring dragging like this.....no matter how much i love him i'll still back out le....dun worry no more tears anymore....i wun cry at least not infron of others le...i'll learn to b strong....